How to Tell Your Family You're Not Pregnant

So . . let me guess you JUST got married and now your family is asking you when the baby is coming? Or if you’re anything like me and complain about literally anything your friends or coworkers will ask if you’re pregnant.. like

you: “I have cramps”

mom: “maybe you’re pregnant!”

you: “I’m thirsty”

cousin: “are you pregnant?”

you: “I have good news!”

coworker: “are you pregnant?”

you: “no..I just started my business”

It seems like no matter how successful you may be, your actual goal should be to procreate in the eyes of your family. So if you’re tired of saying “no” whenever someone asks if you’re pregnant, here are some fun, inventive ways to let them know you’re not pregnant, instead.

A Monthly Newsletter

There are a couple of platforms that allow you to create a newsletter for free! You can create campaigns for people on your mailing list. The subject will be “not pregnant!” so they don’t even have to open the email. Unless you want to create some click bait then make the subject “.. I took a test and. .”

Invite Them to Happy Hour

Nothing says you’re not pregnant like “Hey let’s get drunk this week.” Might I suggest The Cheesecake Factory because they have fried mac and cheese and the look on people’s faces as you walk right up to a bar table when they’ve been waiting an hour is priceless (yes, this is allowed!)

Send Them Your Tampon Receipts

You know those beautiful long receipts you get from CVS when you buy literally one thing. When that one thing is your tampons or your pads, give the receipt to your family, they’ll love it and if they reimburse you, well that’s even better. Allow them to take pity on you.

Explain Your Flow in Detail

This one should be saved for all the men in your life, is the lining of your uterus dark red, chunky, slimy? Oh they didn’t know it was the lining of your uterus and not just straight up blood? Explain that too.

Send them a photo of your pet

Whether you have a dog or a cat or a fish, let your friends and family know that your pet gets to enjoy being an only child for another month. This one might actually brighten your day depending on how cute your pet is.

I’d love to know some other methods of letting your family know you’re not pregnant and if they’re not asking, consider yourself one of the lucky ones.